i'm not far away, i'm very far away

i read somewhere that there's no way to  know that your last good day is your last good day. but i should have known.  i don't know why i thought i'm gonna have a ton of good days after that day but that's how i didn't know that was my last good day. i thought that after that day i'm gonna be in america with my american friends partying and drinking and i'm gonna fall in love with the perfect girl and have so many more good days. but that didn't happen. my last good day was when you came to my house and we watched Gia and ate cheeseburgers and then we went out and i bought you a cactus. that cactus was my last good day. that cheeseburger was my last good day. when i hugged you at the end of the night while you were crying  ; that was my last good day. i didn't know that's gonna be my last good day and i should have known. i should have known that's my last good day when i saw your tears. but i wiped them thinking that we'll both have so many other good days. i should have known that is my last good day when i hugged you. my last good hug.

that was my last good day. when the day was almost over; i looked into Niusha's eyes. i looked into someone's eyes who was my crush for two years and i told her to be fine. i told her to move on from whoever didn't deserve her love because there will be people who deserve her love. i told her that myself didn't i? then why did i fly away from the only people who deserved my love? why did i think i'll find more people that deserve my love? why did i think world is fair? why didn't i know that was my last good day?

i thought my days are gonna be better days after that. but they weren't. i didn't find good people. i didn't find love, i didn't go and drink on the roof top. i didn't go and smoke on the porch. i didn't fall in love again.

and now i'm not just far away from anyone who ever loved me,  i'm very far away.

"nobody said it was easy" my phone said

bs.  my new laptop doesn't have a farsi keyboard and this is like the thousandth sign that i should just give up on persian literature and writing so i guess i give up. .. but then again i guess it's good enough that i haven't given up on this blog yet which is weird.

i just sit here staring at the keyboard because i don't know what to write. because there are a million things going on in my mind and i don't know which one to write about. i chose not writing about any of them but that didn't work out so well.

i stare at this keyboard because i don't know this keyboard. i don't know anything and i'm so fucking terrified of getting lost and maybe i'm already lost. i know i might be lost because i don't know my life anymore like i don't know this keyboard.

things change . things change differently for different people. sometimes they change regardless of the fact that you're trying to catch up to them. sometimes they just change inconsistently. and i don't know about the other times but i know that things do change. all i know is that things change so much from good to bad and bad to good that you shouldn't depend on any of that.

all i know is that things change so fast that i'm sitting here staring at the wall asking myself "what the hell happened" when it feels like only one minute ago i was holding her hand walking in Jolfa. all i know is things change. one day you're getting all the shitty life of yours behind you and starting to believe in happiness and hope again eating cheeseburgers with paq while watching friends and the next day you're on the other side of the globe, staring at her picture wondering. one day she's running around city center to buy you a pair of socks while you're waiting for her and before you know it you're sitting on the ground in the middle kohl's crying your eyes out whispering "how could i leave her" .

all i know is that things change and things suck.

and that is all i know.